Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
On July 4th: Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
At Christmas play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year.
Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
I don’t like green Christmases. They’re not green – they’re just nasty faded browns and grays.
Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.
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