[On Marcelo goal for Real Madrid] Again he takes a game by the scruff of its neck and he makes it his little yo-yo.
[On Messi goal against Villareal] This is an electric eel covered in vaseline coming against Villareal. Messi rocks, and Andrés Fernández rolls.
Real Madrid, man. Cometh the hour – the death hour – that’s when they get stronger.
[On Suárez goal from Sergi Roberto assist] You better lock your back door when Sergi Roberto is streaking in like this. He banks in like an F-51.
Brave header. The Charruas [Uruguay national team], man – they will fight tigers inside the box.
[On Ronaldo goal for Real Madrid against Valencia goalkeeper] He awakens his sleeping sword of war and says to Diego Alves ‘Pick that out!’
[On Messi winning goal for Barcelona against Real Madrid in El Clasico] Again, the medicine man arrives and sinks his flaming spear into the hearts of Real Madrid.
[On a Cristiano Ronaldo free kick goal against Atletico Madrid] Are you kidding me?! Astonishing!! This is not just a dream, it’s a wet dream of orgasmic proportions.
Both these defences have been working harder than a one-eyed cat, covering 3 mouse holes.
He’s a one-man battleship, [David] De Gea. Where’s his critics now?