I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.